We Should Be Divorced

Based on statistics, we should be divorced. We are a military family, have experienced the heart-wrenching death of a child and all that it entails, and we have multiples (twins; or 2 surviving triplets, depending on how you prefer to say it). However, instead, we are celebrating 15 years of marriage today!! While that isn’t as many as a lot of people we know, it’s a pretty big deal to us, considering the roller coaster life we have experienced, and the fact that divorce is so prevalent today.

This is not a “we know it all and are perfect, so you should copy us” post; nor is it a lecture on who should or shouldn’t divorce. It’s more of a love letter, and a time of reflection, that Andy was willing to help me with. We have moved 6 times, survived (and thrived) through 6 deployments, had 5 children, and have spent several anniversaries apart. In the midst of the busyness of our lives, we don’t always make time for reflecting on HOW we are doing as a couple (let's be honest, if we have free time, we sleep)! But, these past few months have helped us to appreciate our life we have built together more than ever.

God put it on my heart to reflect on the art of marriage after some in depth conversations I was able to have with family and friends this summer. We talked about real people, those who have Christ in their lives, and those who don’t, who are struggling within their marriages. Some are seeking help, some have called it quits, and others are just going through the motions. It broke my heart, and I reached out to Andy for his input as to “why” our marriage seems to have such a solid foundation. I am not saying we are perfect, but none of us are, and that’s part of what helps us stay connected-God’s grace shared with and through one another. I planned to type about some of my reasons I felt we were still married, despite the odds, but then I received this from my amazing husband. It’s probably not politically correct, but its’ written with love, and, he agreed to allow me to share it. J

Here is a little of what Andy had to say about us:

What makes our marriage work?  That's a great question.  I think there are a few reasons.  I will try to capture those and explain my logic behind them.

1.    We both grew up with both parents still in the picture.  Nowadays, that's something that doesn't happen all that often.  Our parents showed us that through thick and thin, you have to stay strong and stick with it.  I'm sure there were many struggles between our folks, but I bet getting a divorce never crossed their minds.  I think both sets of parents are no nonsense folks that don't accept giving up or let their kids give up. 

2.    Our faith holds us together.  We have made great strides since our college days.  We know that God is with us, and divorce is wrong.  How could we give up on a love that God provided?  We were put together in college for a reason and who are we to give up on that?  Have we had fights?  Of course we have, but through it all, we always go back to the blessings bestowed upon us.

3.    Our wonderful family.  God has blessed us with some pretty sweet kids.  We owe it to them to lead them through this treacherous life as a team.  Losing Brady was hard, but never did we drift apart which happens often in crisis.  We both handle things in different ways, but each of us supported the other's process.  Cathy put up with me not wanting to spend hours in the hospital and I tried to arrange for her to be able to live there while the kids were in there.  She could've easily resented me for not staying overnight much or wanting to leave after a couple hours because I wasn't comfortable in that setting. 

4.    Our personalities are very different.  I think that we complement each other's weak spots so well that we are a match that can't be separated.  I am disorganized, pessimistic, sometimes downright lazy.  She is upbeat and positive, very organized, and motivated.  She keeps me honest on many tasks.  I am the funny, sarcastic guy that makes her laugh, she is the focused one that keeps the kids and I on track.  I would feed them cheetos and soda and watch Netflix with them all day if she wasn't around.  She has a natural ability to guide our kids and always knows the right things to say to them. 

5.    It seems all of the things that lead to divorce, we've experienced them.  Loss of a child, large family, financial stress, moving (alot), me being deployed.  Many of the other things that lead to divorce are taken off the table for us.  Cheating isn't a factor because of our beliefs and devotion to each other makes that irrelevant.  Kid problems aren't an issue yet (and hopefully won't be) because our kids are great and sweet and we try to teach them kindness, faith, and love. 

6.    I think to sum it up, we just are lucky and blessed.  God provided us the foundation, and in our life experiences that led us to each other, we just got the tools to be successful.  Many folks say how much work a good relationship is, but honestly, it doesn't feel like work to me.  If you are distracted chasing things like possessions, money, jobs, other people, the perfect kids, house, cars, yard, image....you get the point.  If you're chasing those things, your marriage slips in between the cracks and, newsflash, you never catch all those things you are chasing.  When you finally realize you can't catch them, you turn around to get back into the marriage business and all the things that really matter are gone.  The kids are grown, the spouse is distant or with someone else who gave them the time of day, and life as you knew it is over.  Then you revert back to the time before you were married, and let's face it, it's too late and pathetic to try to found what you already had.  I'm just so glad that we won't be going through any of that mess.  We are going to watch our kids grow up and get married while still demonstrating how a marriage works, just like our parents did.  Someday, we'll be by each other's side as one of us departs this life to await the glorious reunion in heaven. 

That's it, it's pretty simple.  God, love, devotion, family, priorities.  I am so blessed to be led to Cathy and so blessed with our children and the life we lead together.      

“22 Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So, just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands.  25 Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church-a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They’re really doing themselves a favor-since they’re already “one” in marriage.”

                                                                                          Ephesians 5:22-28 The Message