Today marks the 7 year anniversary of Brady's death. He was 13 days old and his kidneys were failing. We had spent days praying for pee, and there were moments of hope and celebration when they would weigh his tiny diaper (smaller than most cell phones) and it would be a bit heavier than normal. However, the days just before March 19th, we had come to the realization that Brady may have a very difficult life, even if he did survive, because of all of his medical conditions. The doctors advised us to think about removing support, and we knew that it was in Brady's best interest to allow him to die and go to Heaven. He was showing signs of distress despite medications trying to help manage his pain. So, we were surrounded by friends and family as Pastor Mark baptized Brady, and then the doctors and nurses removed him from his ventilator and Andy held him as he passed from this Earth into eternity with our Lord.
On our plane ride to Colorado this week, I sat across the aisle from a sweet woman named Nicole. She was traveling with her husband and 5 year old. As you can imagine, our crew of 4 kids (all in green since it was St Patty's Day) drew quite a lot of attention at the airport. And as a sidenote, the kids loved the experience and all fell asleep after playing quietly on the plane. Nicole asked me the ages of the kids, and as I told her that J and D were 7, she asked (like most do) if they were twins. I paused, and then explained that they were surviving triplets and that D had an identical twin brother, who died in the NICU. She and I were then drawn to caring for our own crew, and about 5 minutes later, I turned back towards the aisle and she asked if she could ask me a question.
She explained that I was the 2nd person this week to tell her about the loss of a child. She wanted to know what the best responses were for such occasions; what women who have lost a child want to hear. Of course, those of you who know me, know that I was excited to share our story about God's faithfulness through the triplet's birth and through Brady's death. And while I know each story of loss is unique (I mean, how can anyone's experience be exactly the same when all of us are created unique and have different life experiences?), her question prompted me to really think about what most women do want to hear when they are brave enough to tell another person about the death of their child. So, in honor and memory of our sweet Brady, and of all babies born and unborn who are already in Heaven, I thought I would share my thoughts about what women want to hear. I know for me, I spent many years NOT talking about Brady in most social situations (i.e. at the grocery store, at a cookout, etc) because it made people feel uncomfortable. And, even now, I do not bring him up all of the time, but I do share our story often because it's such a wonderful example of how you can receive God's peace when you choose to accept His unfailing love and allow Him to guide you through such heart-wrenching moments as saying good-bye to your 13 day old son.
So, when a parent shares that they have lost a child, some questions or responses that I appreciate hearing are:
1. I am sorry (this is the #1 response and such empathy is appreciated)
2. Ask more details about the child.
What's his name?
Would you mind sharing more about his story?
When is his birthday? The anniversary of his death?
Tell me what you remember most about him.
3. Ask if you can pray for them (if you are comfortable doing so). The prayers of so many really lifted our spirits, and do still on days such as the anniversary of his death.
If the person shares the fact that their child has died, then they are in a good place in their grief, so please try hard to not make it uncomfortable. Death for all of us is inevitable, and even though death at such a young age breaks our hearts, we can be role models for our children and others when we share our stories and our grief. We talk about Brady all the time, and it makes my heart so happy when I hear others tell me about how Brady came up in their conversation recently. While the story of Brady's short life is something that will fade with each generation, the love and hope of Jesus is forever and for all. It's an honor for me to share both of them with you.
