Based on statistics, we should be divorced. We are a
military family, have experienced the heart-wrenching death of a child and all
that it entails, and we have multiples (twins; or 2 surviving triplets,
depending on how you prefer to say it). However, instead, we are celebrating 15
years of marriage today!! While that isn’t as many as a lot of people we know, it’s
a pretty big deal to us, considering the roller coaster life we have experienced,
and the fact that divorce is so prevalent today.
This is not a “we know it all and are perfect, so you should
copy us” post; nor is it a lecture on who should or shouldn’t divorce. It’s
more of a love letter, and a time of reflection, that Andy was willing to help
me with. We have moved 6 times, survived (and thrived) through 6 deployments,
had 5 children, and have spent several anniversaries apart. In the midst of the busyness of our lives, we don’t always
make time for reflecting on HOW we are doing as a couple (let's be honest, if we have free time, we sleep)! But, these past few
months have helped us to appreciate our life we have built together more than ever.
God put it on my heart to reflect on the art of marriage
after some in depth conversations I was able to have with family and friends
this summer. We talked about real people, those who have Christ in their lives,
and those who don’t, who are struggling within their marriages. Some are
seeking help, some have called it quits, and others are just going through the
motions. It broke my heart, and I reached out to Andy for his input as to “why”
our marriage seems to have such a solid foundation. I am not saying we are
perfect, but none of us are, and that’s part of what helps us stay
connected-God’s grace shared with and through one another. I planned to type
about some of my reasons I felt we were still married, despite the odds, but
then I received this from my amazing husband. It’s probably not politically
correct, but its’ written with love, and, he agreed to allow me to share it. J
Here is a little of what Andy had to say about us:
What makes our marriage work?
That's a great question. I think
there are a few reasons. I will try to
capture those and explain my logic behind them.
1.
We both grew up with both parents still in the
picture. Nowadays, that's something that
doesn't happen all that often. Our
parents showed us that through thick and thin, you have to stay strong and
stick with it. I'm sure there were many
struggles between our folks, but I bet getting a divorce never crossed their
minds. I think both sets of parents are
no nonsense folks that don't accept giving up or let their kids give up.
2.
Our faith holds us together. We have made great strides since our college
days. We know that God is with us, and
divorce is wrong. How could we give up
on a love that God provided? We were put
together in college for a reason and who are we to give up on that? Have we had fights? Of course we have, but through it all, we
always go back to the blessings bestowed upon us.
3.
Our wonderful family. God has blessed us with some pretty sweet
kids. We owe it to them to lead them
through this treacherous life as a team.
Losing Brady was hard, but never did we drift apart which happens often
in crisis. We both handle things in
different ways, but each of us supported the other's process. Cathy put up with me not wanting to spend
hours in the hospital and I tried to arrange for her to be able to live there
while the kids were in there. She
could've easily resented me for not staying overnight much or wanting to leave
after a couple hours because I wasn't comfortable in that setting.
4.
Our personalities are very different. I think that we complement each other's weak
spots so well that we are a match that can't be separated. I am disorganized, pessimistic, sometimes
downright lazy. She is upbeat and
positive, very organized, and motivated.
She keeps me honest on many tasks.
I am the funny, sarcastic guy that makes her laugh, she is the focused
one that keeps the kids and I on track.
I would feed them cheetos and soda and watch Netflix with them all day
if she wasn't around. She has a natural
ability to guide our kids and always knows the right things to say to
them.
5.
It seems all of the things that lead to divorce,
we've experienced them. Loss of a child,
large family, financial stress, moving (alot), me being deployed. Many of the other things that lead to divorce
are taken off the table for us. Cheating
isn't a factor because of our beliefs and devotion to each other makes that
irrelevant. Kid problems aren't an issue
yet (and hopefully won't be) because our kids are great and sweet and we try to
teach them kindness, faith, and love.
6.
I think to sum it up, we just are lucky and
blessed. God provided us the foundation,
and in our life experiences that led us to each other, we just got the tools to
be successful. Many folks say how much
work a good relationship is, but honestly, it doesn't feel like work to
me. If you are distracted chasing things
like possessions, money, jobs, other people, the perfect kids, house, cars,
yard, image....you get the point. If
you're chasing those things, your marriage slips in between the cracks and,
newsflash, you never catch all those things you are chasing. When you finally realize you can't catch
them, you turn around to get back into the marriage business and all the things
that really matter are gone. The kids
are grown, the spouse is distant or with someone else who gave them the time of
day, and life as you knew it is over.
Then you revert back to the time before you were married, and let's face
it, it's too late and pathetic to try to found what you already had. I'm just so glad that we won't be going
through any of that mess. We are going
to watch our kids grow up and get married while still demonstrating how a
marriage works, just like our parents did.
Someday, we'll be by each other's side as one of us departs this life to
await the glorious reunion in heaven.
That's it, it's pretty simple. God, love, devotion, family, priorities. I am so blessed to be led to Cathy and so
blessed with our children and the life we lead together.
“22 Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your
support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ
does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So, just as the
church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise
submit to their husbands. 25 Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ
did for the church-a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes
the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is
designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk,
radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They’re
really doing themselves a favor-since they’re already “one” in marriage.”
Ephesians
5:22-28 The Message
