Peace and Heaven: The Anniversary of Brady’s Death

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.  I do not give as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”  John 14:27

Today marks 6 years now that we said good-bye to our son, Brady Thomas.  We miss having him here, but also have peace knowing that he is with his Father in Heaven, and that we will see him again.  For those who don’t know our story, the triplets were born 10 weeks early, and despite being around 2 pounds, they were all off their ventilators and doing well within the first hours of their lives.  However, Brady developed an infection in that first week, and his body was too fragile to handle it.  As Brady continued to deteriorate, we prayed more than ever, and never gave up hope.  We were surrounded by family, friends, and an amazing church community.  They gave us meals, took our 2 year old on playdates, and just let us know that we were in their thoughts and prayers.  They sustained us!  God gave us this group of people to care for us, and remind us of the hope and peace that comes with Him. 

As I prayed, one scripture that I had heard in a sermon that year kept coming to mind.  This is how God would “talk” to me.  I never heard his voice, but I could FEEL Him with me.  I listened in my quiet moments for His guidance, and He would remind me of a particular scripture, person, circumstance, bible study lesson, or song that would help me.  The scripture that I kept coming to me was from Matthew 26:38-44, and it was about Jesus praying in the garden of Gethsemane just before the troops came to arrest him.  He goes to God not once, but 3 times and prays for the cup to be taken from him. “Yet not as I will, but as you will.”  He knows what he is about to do, and knows how hard it is going to be, and asks God if there is any way that it can happen another way.  He is in distress and scared, but knows God is with him.  That is how I felt.  I KNEW.  I knew that I was going to have to say good-bye to Brady.  God had given me bits and pieces along the way, preparing my heart for that moment.  He kept giving me this verse to remind me that it was okay to ask not to have to do something so difficult, and that no matter what, He was with me.  Even as we drove to the hospital on March 19^th, I said out loud “PLEASE God, don’t make us do this. Please, if there is another way.” 

On that day, we had planned to have Brady baptized and then take him off of his ventilator, which was breathing for him.  We didn’t feel that he had to be baptized to go into Heaven, but a lot of our family was there, and we wanted a special moment to recognize Brady as part of our Christian community, and as a special child of God, and to have a memory of all of us surrounding him with love. At this point, we didn’t know if we would have a service, or what the future held because we had two other preemies fighting to live.  As the week had progressed, and Brady had gotten more and more sick, requiring more assistance breathing, I started thinking about Heaven in a way that I never had before.  Yes, I wondered about Heaven as most of us do, but when you are about to send your baby boy there, you start questioning it in more ways than you can imagine.  I felt God with us, and held onto the Hope we have through Jesus, but there was this little part of me that just wanted to know for sure that Heaven was real, and Brady was going to go there. 

Pastor Mark was supposed to be there a 9am, and he called to say that he was going to be late because he was with a family whose mother had just passed away.  We had about 10 family members there waiting, and while I was patient, I also was frustrated.  I was afraid that if we didn’t go ahead and unhook Brady from his ventilator, that I may not be able to go through with it.  As Pastor Mark arrived, Andy and I met him at the hand washing station.  He told us about the conversation he had that morning with the family he had been with.  I knew them well, as they were part of our congregation and I had served on some projects and committees with the adult son of the woman who passed away. Pastor Mark shared that they told him about how his mother had been in and out of consciousness for a couple of days.  Once, when her son was by her bedside, holding her hand, she woke up and started talking to him very clearly.  She shared that her deceased husband had been there in the room with them several times in the last few days.  When he asked why she hadn’t said anything, she told him that she didn’t want them to think she was crazy.  Then, she said that she had seen it-she had been to Heaven and seen it.  Of course, her son was very intrigued at this, and said, “Well, Mom, tell me about it!” and she replied, “It’s indescribable.”  And there was my God, reaching out and holding me.  He knew the most secret little doubt that I held in my heart and hadn’t shared with anyone, and He gave me the strength and peace through those two words to go and allow our baby to die. 

And so we did.  We had a beautiful moment with family surrounding Brady’s isolette, while Pastor Mark prayed over and baptized him.  Then, the family all went to the waiting room, and the doctors took him off his ventilator.  Andy had not yet even held him, so they breathed for Brady with a bag so that we could go down the hallway into a private room to say goodbye.  It was important for me that he not suffer, so the doctor was amazing and made sure he had pain medication as he died.  He died very peacefully minutes after they stopped keeping him alive.  Andy was holding him.  There were no monitors, so we just sat and cuddled him and cried.  We asked God to be with us, and He was.  We knew it.  That didn’t mean that it wasn’t the hardest moment of our lives.  It just meant that we were able to keep Brady’s death in perspective of God’s bigger purpose and plan, and we were able to deal with it.  Our 2 year old came in, along with other family members if they chose to, and got to hold Brady.  We even took photos that I don’t share, but that I have for our own personal mementos. 

Today, I hope that when you think of Brady, you are reminded of God’s love for each of us, and the peace that comes with surrendering to Him.  We know that God kept Brady alive long enough for the other two triplets to not only survive, but be the happy, healthy children they are today.  We have peace that God’s plan was better than our own, and that He redeems our suffering through Jesus dying on the cross. We know that our family will remember Brady, and celebrate his life, especially on this day.  We will light his candle, watch his memorial service video, and pray for all people who are suffering today.  Praise be to God!!

This captures the one time I was able to hold Brady in his short 13 days on Earth.